I quit my job because I felt the value I was creating and the price I was paying for it mentally did not match. Building software is an emotional thing. The "how" you build software is purely logical, but the "why" has to be emotional. Anyone who tells you otherwise, in my humble opinion is wrong.

I've been looking for a job for nearly 3 months now without finding the right fit. I can understand the current market with an incredible amount of people out of jobs and looking for something, anything, so that they can sustain their lives. It is disheartening but also gives me a glimpse into what people are looking for when they hire.

Nobody has to give you time. You try to be respectful of theirs by not eating into it. If someone says no to me, I have to an extent, stopped asking why. They have their reasons, most of the time not malicious, but our brain would like us to think so. They said no to me because I am not good enough - is easier to assume.

I am a good engineer. Not the best in the world, but a good one. Because I know I'm not the best, I keep trying to be better. I keep building software, and writing about it (try to) so that I don't forget that I am good.

Something I've learned from my relationships (because I saw it in a stand-up comedy bit, so I know it's a psychologically sound and credible source of information), and it has worked for me professionally too, is imagining myself as a piece of a puzzle. The piece is built a certain way with a certain unique set of cuts. An organization (or a person) has a piece to be filled. Believe it or not, they know exactly what they are looking for and in the same way I know exactly what I am. A piece of a puzzle with some unique characteristics. Unlike personal relationships where you take a chance and then figure out if you fit or not, professionally you are required to an extent to "sell" yourself so they know, to an extent that you might fit.

Asking someone for feedback on why they do not want to hire you gives you an idea of what they want from you, not who you are. The idea of what A wants from you will not be the same as what B wants from you. So trying to change yourself to be something that A wanted will not help you be accepted at B. Trying to change yourself for anything other than well-introspected changes that will genuinely help you be a better person or engineer is a futile effort. You lose your identity. That is a harder fall for me than not having a job.

I mean, yes it is easier for me to say because I have savings to help me for a while, so I don't have to sell my identity just yet. If it comes to it, I might, but I'm not there yet, so rejection emails and rejecting people who do not align with my values, is where I am right now.

Now, feedback is good, but is the feedback good? Very hard to pick up. I have thankfully surrounded myself with people who don't give gyaan (unsolicited, useless advice) on why I should change myself. They see the value I have created for them and simply show me the way if they can.

I am better at writing than talking, so when explaining this to someone by telling them, I sometimes might come off as rude or not caring enough about what they have to say. I cannot help someone with that. Hopefully, I will get better at explaining and hopefully, I will find a puzzle where I fit.